In Flux: My Year in Review

One day, as I was running, I saw myself completely. As I ascended my favorite hill by my house, encompassed by fields of raspberries, blackberry bushes, trees and tall grass, I inhaled the fresh air and entered a somewhat omniscient state of mind. I became calm and warm with happiness. As I looked to my left, I had the feeling that I was looking out at my past. I saw myself extending far to the left – my past selves running in stride with me. Then, looking to my right, I saw myself again, but my older self. I did not know my future, but I knew that my future selves would continue to run through whatever future lay ahead of me. I waved at them, and we were united for that one moment in time before they disappeared and left me running in the present.

Running is a very peaceful, independent, self-reflective hobby for me, but I have recently lacked motivation to do it as often. I think this is because lately, I've been afraid to look at myself.

As of now, I stand a complete 180 degrees from where I was upon graduating high school. In the past, I found enjoyment in participating in every extra-curricular activity under the sun: the school newspaper, the soccer team, cross country, basketball, Key Club, National Honor Society, the STAND anti-genocide club... the list goes on.

But what I see now is a Julia who is beginning to make decisions and focus on what her life tells her is most important. She is zeroing in on two prominent aspects of her life: journalism, and a relationship.

This entire year, I have felt this change. I have socialized less with friends and made less of an effort to be involved in my community. However, I have learned through trial and error more about multimedia and video production than I have in my entire life. And, unfortunately, trial and error takes time. Classes, filming, identifying the narrative arc, re-recording audio, editing, re-editing... Only a fellow journalism major – and one with multimedia experience at that – realizes how taxing this process can be. Sometimes, I think how ironic it is that the reason I do enjoy journalism is because of the connections it allows me to make with people, but the process of filmmaking is so time-consuming and unpredictable that it often limits the relationships I establish with others outside the editing labs of the journalism school. My hard work this year has landed me acceptance to a study abroad in Uruguay this August, and my first "job" filming an informational promotional video about a Philosophy for Children program at a school in Oaxaca City, Mexico. I want to work abroad in the future. I want to get paid for what I create. I feel successful, but at the same time, I'm sad to see parts of my life that I know I have to give up in order for this success to come true. Where is my time for painting? For new friendships? For reading? For writing? For running? As important parts of me lie dormant, I feel hesitant to step back and look at myself – at who I am becoming.

But now that I'm out of the whirlwind of schoolwork, I have time for self-analysis. So, naturally, it's happening, and I'm realizing that I have not lost as much as I think. My life is transforming, but change in life is constant. I just need to follow the advice of my friend, Miki: "Stay positive."

If journalism is what I love, then it will bring me happiness and lead to fulfillment of any currently missing parts of my life. After working as a multimedia producer for Flux Magazine for two terms, I can see this. As I worked on my piece about a comic book artist, I saw my childhood of drawing, storytelling and artistic creation come to life again. I remembered my series of of picture books about an orphaned girl named Soo-en who lived on her own but still managed to live quite the life, the book my cousin and I co-authored and mailed back and forth between Ohio and Oregon, the maps of the imaginary cities I drew for my characters...

As I filmed ultramarathon runners traversing mountain trails, rising at 4:30 a.m. to capture footage of them running at sunrise, I felt reconnected to the serenity and love for physically challenging myself that I experience through running. Even in the middle of winter, I felt at peace in the frosty forest and inspired to push myself to run outdoors, whatever the weather.

In the spring, my Flux advisor assigned me the task to create a multimedia piece about student couples in committed relationships who live together and how it affects their relationships and college experience. Wow. At first, I was at a loss for subjects who would talk to me, let alone go on camera about their personal lives. Then, slowly but surely, I discovered Paul and Noelle. With their hipster glasses and red hair, they could almost pass as twins. They have lived together for three years, preferring a low-key life together as opposed to the party lifestyle of many college students. They shop for groceries together, cook together, watch TV together, do homework together, sleep together. And it's not weird. It's not.

Which brings me to my second main focus of the year: Taichi.

Over the course of this year, I have gone from an extremely independent, career-focused student to a girl who is so attuned to everything in her life involving and affected by Taichi that it's not even funny. Yes, I'm still focused on my career. Yes, I still get As in my classes. Yes, I still have friends. But Taichi has definitely become my other half. We are always together, sharing the good and the bad. Last week, he took care of my while I was sick. I supported him while he pushed himself harder this term with his courses and continuing to improve his English skills. Together, we talk about a solution to our problem which seems to have no pain-free solution: the fact that in a little over a month, we will be forced to part for an indefinite amount of time.

He will leave and go back to Japan to graduate. Financially, this is the way it has to be. With international tuition at about $40,000 per year at University of Oregon, I understand how ridiculous it is to attend university internationally unless your family has dough. For me, there is no way I'm going to learn Japanese and study abroad in Tokyo in a non-journalism-related program.


We have been dating for eight months. Many people I have talked to admit that a long-distance relationship for an indefinite amount of time sounds too difficult. Why not break up and explore other options? Have the freedom to date other people and, if our paths cross again, then maybe we can pick up where we left off. I'm young, and I have too much of my life ahead of me to get hung up on one person.

Unfortunately, that's not how I think. Maybe there isn't just one significant other out there for each person on earth, but I have found a person I cannot let go. And he doesn't want to let me go either. It will undoubtedly be one of the hardest things I have ever done, and it scares me to not know how I will react to it or try to handle it, but I know I can't break up with him just because he's leaving. I have to be strong and make it work.

That's where Paul and Noelle's relationship touched me. Although they have been best friends for years and are free to stay together as long as they'd like without being separated by the Pacific Ocean, they are not afraid to broadcast their commitment to each other. They have chosen to be together and realized that it works best for them. And the great thing is, they value their careers just as much as their relationship and commitment to each other. Which is what this year has brought me.

I am committed to journalism. I am committed to being with Taichi. Everything else must fall into place around those two things. No, it's not how I saw my life panning out two years ago. I always saw myself as a person open to new experiences and terrible at making decisions and long-term commitments. But, as I travel abroad to Uruguay in August, part ways with Taichi, and continue my studies at University of Oregon without him in the fall, I will have my new experiences. I will have my independence and my friends and my studies. But I will always have in the back of my mind my commitments. And, if I continue to remind myself of these commitments, the two of them will undoubtedly collide. Being with Taichi in the future means doing my best and establishing a promising future career in journalism that will provide me with the freedom (and, most importantly, funding) to see him.

So, as I finally look at myself, I see a Julia who has discovered more about herself and has built a clearer path toward her post-college future. It's something every college student has to do at some point, and it's bound to change anyone. It isn't Julia who is the problem, it's change. And as long as I can accept change and stay positive, I can continue to look at myself in whatever stage of my life I am, have been, or will be.