Carnivorous Relationships

I'm at that stage again where I've determined that I don't need a boyfriend. Relationships are overrated. Sure, they're nice, but they can get in the way of achieving personal goals and they always leave you with what are, in reality, self-inflicted emotional battle wounds. Who needs that?

Yeah, I know, I'll change my mind eventually. People say I'll find someone, and I want to believe that. But I think everyone goes through this stage of denial. It can be healthy. Thinking about it, I realize it's a lot like going vegetarian (which I have tried once, lasting for about a month).

It takes a lot of discipline. You're a natural-born meat-lover: chicken, beef, pork – you were raised on this stuff. But you never realized how much you craved it until it was gone. You convince yourself that you don't need it. It's something you can do without, and in the long-run, it's probably healthier anyway, right? Cleansing. You say, "I don't need meat. I can survive without it for a little while." You resolve to abstain from it for one year. At first, it's both mentally and physically trying. You go through something like withdrawal symptoms. You fantasize about it, you long for it. Your mouth waters and you have visions of a nice tender pork loin seducing you in your sleep. Cows mooing your name, chickens squawking a soothing lullaby.

But it gets easier. After a year, you stop thinking about meat altogether. You honestly do not need it. You think, "I've gone a year without it. I can go longer." There's nothing calling to you, no reason to start eating it again. Out of habit, you skimp over the meat section at the grocery store. None of it grabs your attention. You are a strong, independent vegetarian.

Until one day, when you find yourself at a restaurant with a friend, or some super hot guy who really doesn't know you all that well. You had no say in your dining venue, but you couldn't say no. You take one look at the menu and gasp. Your palms get sweaty. Reading it over again and again, you frantically search for a meat-free dish. Alas, the restaurant has no vegetarian options!

Instead of saying something, you calm yourself down and think, "I can eat meat just this once. It's not going to kill me." You avoid the steak and hamburgers, deciding to ease into it with a simple chicken quesadilla.

Cautiously, you take your first bite. And suddenly... you're in heaven. Floating on Cloud Nine. Succulent juices burst free in your mouth. Tender chunks of the protein grind between your teeth, the miraculous taste penetrating your senses, igniting the burning desire that lay dormant within you all these years: Once again, you're an omnivore, and you're damn proud of it.

You have found love once again, reunited in this blissful moment. There is no turning back. You say goodbye to your vegetarian days and embrace your changed life.

So here I am, stubbornly resisting, but waiting for the day when I will cave. Just waiting.